Do you wonder why you yell at your husband or boyfriend when all you want is for him to hold you?
You cuss him out. You push him away. Maybe you break up with him.
You are so afraid of getting hurt. But you wonder why you keep hurting the person you love the most.
You know your relationship has unhealthy components. And maybe you are to blame for some of them.
You keep asking him to hold you. To kiss you. To tell you that he loves you. And he does. Maybe it feels good for a minute. You keep going back to what is comfortable. But then you repeat the cycle again.
When you are upset, you don’t know what to do, and so you yell.
Anger feels so much better than depression and sadness. Anger gives energy. Anger motivates. Anger feels good. Anger gives you power and control.
This is why you yell. Anger is so much easier to deal with than depression, anxiety, and sadness. But anger often comes from fear.
And fear is the thing you want to avoid the most.
You may be afraid that you’ll be alone. You’re afraid that you’re gonna be hurt again. You’re afraid that you’re not enough. You’re afraid that he will leave. You’re afraid he doesn’t really love you. That he doesn’t respect you. That you’re not worth fighting for. You just want him to yell back and fight FOR you.
That is why you run to him. You desire to be close. You want to know that he will never give up on you.
You feel most comfortable with him. Even with the toxic cycle. But you don’t want to keep going in this cycle.
It’s time to break the cycle.
Over time the relationship can start running on fear instead of trust. Maybe he uses the yelling against you. Maybe you use it as a form of manipulation. Either way, neither of you gets what you actually need.
It only takes one person to start changing to shift the entire course of the relationship. The journey is hard. The steps are small. It may seem like it is accomplishing nothing. But over time, you will look back and realize that you arrived someplace you never thought possible.
Are you ready to start taking one small step? It begins with understanding yourself first.
Let’s take a step back and evaluate: what do you actually want?
When you’re at the point of yelling and feeling out of control, what are you needing?
Again, anger is rooted in fear. What are you afraid of? Are you afraid that he will leave you? Are you afraid of the past? Are you afraid he’s like someone from your past?
Answer that question: what are you afraid of?
What is that fear motivating you to do? Because our emotions have purposes.
But God did not give us a spirit of fear.
Notice within yourself where the fear is coming from. Maybe this is something from your past. Maybe this has nothing to do with him. Maybe it’s not what you’re arguing about.
According to marriage experts Dr. John and Julie Gottman, 70% of arguments have nothing to do with what you are talking about, but a greater core belief.
What is the fear then?
Ask yourself: Is this argument threatening something you believe about yourself? Or what you believe about him? What are you trying to control about yourself? What are you trying to control about him?
Take a deep breath. What is your body doing? Is your body telling you to run? To run away? Or run to him? To freeze, or to fight? Just notice it.
Emotions have purpose. God has given them to us and designed them. But they don’t always fit the situation. Write it all down.
Now what do you want?
What is the fear saying you want? The fear is communicating something you desire or something you need.
If the fear is being alone, you want and need companionship. If you are afraid he will leave, you desire security. If you are afraid of the past, you need peace for the present and the future.
That is the true desire. It really was not about what you are arguing about.
You want loyalty, connection, companionship, friendship, security, trust. And the list could go on.
Now it’s time to share the desires of your heart.
What are those actual desires? Can you share them with your husband or boyfriend? If you can’t share the desires of your heart with your partner, ask yourself, is it because of your own insecurity? Or is it because he is not safe? Maybe it is a combination of both?
When you can identify what is happening inside of you, you can begin responding intentionally instead of reacting automatically.
But sometimes these patterns run so deep that it is difficult to see them on your own.
When you get to a place of being stuck where you can’t answer these questions, it’s time to seek help. This helps you get the tools you need to be able to:
- stand firm and confidently
- speak your mind
- know what you want
- know what you desire
- know what you are afraid of
- be able to move in your relationship with confidence
It starts with knowing who you are. You cannot truly know your fears without knowing who you are. You cannot truly know your desires without knowing yourself. If you don’t know who you are, what is there to be confident in?
The journey to discovering yourself is really a search for purpose and identity.
You do not have to figure this out on your own.
If you see yourself in this article and are ready to take the next step, schedule a free 20-minute consultation. We can talk about what is happening, answer your questions, and help you determine whether counseling would be a good fit for you.