Mentally Preparing for Mother's Day

Mother's Day can be really hard if your mother has passed. Mother's Day can be especially hard if you have a lot of trauma from your mom. Mother's Day can be really hard because you and your mom don't get along and you have to see her on Mother's Day. Mother's Day might be hard because you've tried for a really long time to be a mom and you're wrestling with infertility. Mother's Day might just be the perfect day for you. Everyone has different situations. You might be a mom just struggling with all of the stress of being a mom.

For the purpose of this blog I want to talk about the first few things where your relationship with your mom may not be the easiest. For those whose mom is alive and you'll be hanging out with them on Mother's Day, I want to just give you a couple of tips on how to interact with your mom.

1. Use humor. Humor goes such a long way. Use humor as much as you can.

2. Remember intent. Give your mom a benefit of the doubt. She may think she's doing the best that she can but still missing the mark.

3. Remember emotional intelligence. Your mom may only be capable of so much depth intellectually. Keep things very basic and surface level. Don't give your mom things that she can lump and throw at you. 

Mother’s Day can also be a challenge for those of you who don't have contact with your mom because of trauma, or maybe you never even met your mom. Mother's Day is all about honoring your mom the best you can. Remember who you are. If you can be firm in your identity, the healthier you will be on Sunday when things are so hard. You can be true to yourselves without feeling defensive, without people pleasing, and without guilt. You can have boundaries and you can be emotionally mature.

You don't have to attack. You don't have to blame. You don't have to be aggressive or passive-aggressive. You don't have to try to win approval. You can be you. If you are a mom you know you can be a good mom. If you are not a mom you know that you can be good in who you are but you have to know who you are and be firm in that. 

Remember that your mom is a human and she makes mistakes and most people are trying to do the best that they can. There are moms that have caused an immense amount of pain and suffering on their daughters and they have hurt them so much, everywhere from imposing negative body image all the way through physical and sexual abuse. I know that those pains hurt and mom hurts hurt stronger than any other hurts.

Remember to show her the grace that you hope your daughter will one day show her. You remember that sometimes we don't expect the same from other people but we expect our moms to be perfect and the guilt that we carry, even as we try to be perfect, can sometimes be projected onto our moms.

No matter what, the pain that you have is real. Recognize it. Don't excuse sin. Don't excuse hurt. Don't excuse wrongdoing and evil that has been done against you. In fact it is better to name it. Forgiveness can take place but if you don't fully recognize the wrong, forgiveness is cheapened.

Let's talk a little more about forgiveness. I always say that forgiveness is one of the hardest things any human will ever do. It is also the most powerful and most freeing thing someone will do. The Bible talks about having a spirit of forgiveness. This means if your mom today came and apologized for all the wrong doing she did, would you be able to say, "I don't hold that against you"? Forgiveness is not forgetting. Again sin needs to be recognized, named, and called out but forgiveness takes the responsibility of healing on yourself. It does not expect her to do anything for you to heal. Let's be clear that healing is not the same as reconciliation. Forgiveness is not the same as reconciliation. 

You may need to continue to have boundaries or set boundaries. Boundaries can be challenging. Boundaries are not about controlling her. It's not saying you can't say that, you can't come here, you can't do that. It's about giving choice of saying that I am not going to do something if something happens and communicating that where the power and the choice are put back in your hands. It gives you the choice to protect yourself.

So come Sunday or whenever you celebrate with your mother, if you see her or if you are grieving your mother's loss, whatever it may be, set boundaries. Use humor as much as you can. If your mom says something that normally would trigger some defensiveness, respond with a sarcastic joke, "Oh Mom, I would never have figured that out if you weren't here at that exact moment." Usually things like that go so far.

Use boundaries if your mom starts talking about your weight or something else that is triggering. You can politely say, "Mom, I don't want to talk about that. I am not going to continue. I'm going to change the subject." She continues to say, "Mom, I'm going to ask you to leave or I'm going to leave if you continue." Those are all things that are appropriate to say. You don't know how she's going to react. She may blow up or it may not be a big deal but regardless you have the power and the control. Your job is to be kind and respectful in whatever you are doing. 

Mom hurts can be some of the greatest hurts that we experience. These things can be hard to navigate, even the smallest things. No one escapes childhood without any hurts and if they do I would love to know their secret.

I have three daughters of my own and I am sure they are going to be adults one day and have to read a book or go to therapy to learn how to process and deal with some of the mistakes that I have made. I hope that they can show me grace as I learn to show grace to my mother.

Regardless I would love to be there for you as you navigate the hurts and the pains.

• Boundaries are hard.

• Forgiveness is even harder.

• Learning to enjoy something that previously had so much pain is also hard.

You don't have to navigate this alone. 

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